The Hills: A Metaphor

I continue to marvel at the little things Obama does that pleasantly surprise me. It's deliciously refreshing. Like when he correctly pronounces "nuclear", answers a question clearly and intelligently, or makes wise decisions after much apparent thinking. But we shouldn't be surprised by these things. We shouldn't ever have had a leader who made such rudimentary elements of actually being a leader so foreign.

This reminds me of a similar situation on the most important show of our generation, MTV's opus: The Hills. Audrina has long be entangled with the twittish Justin (nee Bobby). On a recent episode, Audrina gushes to her sister how things are different this time around because he actually texts back! and makes plans! and buys her gifts! and doesn't burp at her all the time anymore! Her sister stares at Audrina incredulously before slamming her over the head with a 2 x 4 and screaming well DUH you dumb bitch who I can't believe I'm related to that's what he should have been doing all along! Your boyfriend texting you back is not a novel idea!

The United States is like Audrina. For too long we have been dragged around in a pitiful relationship. A moron at the reins of our fragile destiny. Years like this have turned us into sad, apathetic shells that just yearn to be treated well and taken care of. Obama is the cute Australian or that other perma-tan dude Audrina should have been dating ages ago.

But we shall not let our story end like Audrina's. We, unlike Audrina, have broken the cycle of idiocy and can now take shelter in the sweet, muscular arms of a cute, kind, tanned man.

I came up with this when drunk. Obviously.

Please

Get me out of here.

Helmets

I've been riding the bus a lot lately. It's the same price as the subway but it takes a lot longer which is ok because I don't have anywhere to be. It's a lot less crowded so there's always a seat and lots of windows for people watching in motion. People think I like to take taxis all the time because I'm pretty lazy. This is kind of true. But I really like to take taxis, though, because I can look out the window.

Anyway, the point of this is not about riding the bus. I was riding the bus down 5th avenue and we went by a playground. There were a bunch of kids playing on the jungle gym and THREE of them were wearing helmets! Maybe they just got off their bikes but knowing how quickly I ripped my helmet off when I was little I don't think this was the case! I also don't think they had any glaring problems like Philip the Hyper-Hypo. They seemed perfectly normal. Except with helmets. At least they were all different cool colors like purple pink and teal. I hope there's some reasonable explanation for this but I don't know. Parents are crazy weird and overprotective.

And I learned something, the thought of kids wearing helmets to play makes me miserable.

Mother Nature and My Emotions

Good thing it's raining. I don't think I'd be able to make it through the day without it.

Whoa. With that sentence I felt eyeliner ring my eyes and bangs sweep across my eyes and a black hoodie appear on me. Folks, we've crossed into the Emo Zone!

EMO EMO EMO

But seriously, I like the rain. THE RAIN IS ME.

EMO EMO EMO

Tonight

And I'm still pretty miserable.

Today

Bedtime

I was feeling pretty miserable so I took a Valium 90 minutes ago. Now, not only am I miserable, I am also drowsy! 

I am miserable and drowsy in the way you get when you've been at a bar drinking for a while but not at a solid pace and you kind of get a buzz  going for a little bit and you laugh at a thing or two and chip in a story of that time when you were in study abroad but you don't tell stories that well so it's not that funny but whatever and later you give a bitch please look to someone who bumps into you at the bar but only to their back because you don't want to start something and then "Womanizer" comes on the really shitty playlist the place has going so you groove in a mocking way with awkward but energetic moves like one-handed roof-raising while making your fake look I'm cool I'm dancing face which is really just gaping in mock surprise and you're purposely hoping that all of this effort is showing that you obviously think it is a stupid song but really you kind of love it and frankly it's a little obvious but despite the small dance break the night's not that fun and doesn't look like it's going to get that way and you start to get tired and participate half-heartedly and then you get annoyed that you're tired and not that drunk even though you've spent like $30 already on weak vodka tonics and your friend is getting pretty drunk and batting her eyes at this dude who's a friend of your friend you came to the bar with and she is practically guffawing "I KNOW!" every six seconds and really loudly at whatever the dude is talking about and because you're kind of sober now and miserable and tired she just looks pretty pathetic and then you start to ponder life and people and relationships and the mystery of happiness and you start to get quiet and sad so you twist your expression into a less miserable expression that says I'm lame I know as you say goodbye to your friends and give them excuses like oh yeah long day I need to rest but really you did nothing all day but that's a minor detail they don't need to know so you go home and stay up longer on the internet even though you're super tired at this point and the whiskey shot you thought earlier could salvage the evening is really making a racket in your stomach now but you can't do anything about it but sleep so you sculpt your pillows into a sleep nest and then the next day you hear that after you left everyone went to this other bar and the cast of Gossip Girl was there and they did shots with Chuck Bass and then everyone started dancing and it was so much fun omigosh you should've been there and then you feel even more miserable because you missed Chuck Bass.

I think I'll go to bed now. Too bad I didn't take an Ambien because then I wouldn't remember any of this.

Real Housewives of Atlanta

Today I watched a marathon of Real Housewives of Atlanta. It was a pretty miserable thing to do. I am so miserable that I convinced myself that I wanted their life.

Dear Diary,

Today me and my other fabulous girlfriends put on some bright sarongs and took the boat out for a spin. But by gosh the boat died! Luckily we brought along lots of Chardonnay and crudite. But oh! We realized it was just in neutral and not dead afterall. We're so silly. Also, I am not talking to NeNe anymore.

Kisses,

A Real Housewife

Hi

I'm a miserable twenty-something. And this is my blog. It's pretty miserable too.